Intruder (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 32)

ZX81 Intruder

FAST PACED. EXCITING. GRIPPING. UTTERLEY THRILLING.

Intruder is none of those things. I think the aim of the game is to move the < > symbols over the * symbol (the intruder is possibly a cats bum).
I have never managed to do this. And I don’t really mind a cat being an intruder in my home, I like cats.

But if you’re the kind of person who disguises yourself as a cats bum to intrude into a persons home then…why? Why would you do that? Not cool. Did you make a costume yourself? I can’t imagine you bought it anywhere, but if you did I’d like to know where so I can go and ask the owners of the shop what they were thinking of.

See the Amstrad version of Intruder
See the Commodore 64 version of Intruder
See the Vic-20 version of Intruder
See the Atari 8-bit version of Intruder
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Intruder

Phaser (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 31)

Screen Shot 2015-01-15 at 09.57.27

Why is it that whenever an alien comes anywhere near earth the immediate reaction is not to greet it and learn from it, but to shoot it right out of the sky?

I think it’s because you’re afraid your girlfriend will fancy it and run away with it to whatever planet it’s come from. Then all your mates will point and laugh and everybody in the place you live will know that you got dumped for an ugly alien, and then you’ll have to move away. But everybody on earth will find out, and reporters will camp outside your home and television cameras will be thrust into your face to catch the image of every tear that falls from your eye as you’re asked to recount how it feels to know that the woman you love is having hot sex right now with a being from another planet.

And it will get so bad that you won’t be able to live anywhere on earth and so you’ll concoct a plan to move off earth and to the planet that the alien came from.

And do you know what will happen as soon as your spaceship arrives at that planet?

That’s right, you’ll be shot right out of the sky.

See the Commodore 64 version of Phaser
See the Atari 8-bit version of Phaser
See the Acorn Electron version of Phaser

Jet Fighter (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 30)

Jet Fighter

Jet Fighter? Jet FIGHTER? Surely you mean ‘Jet Lander’. Or ‘Jet Try and Land But Crash Horribly Every Time’.

My suggestion: Find a more practical runway.

See the Commodore 64 version of Jet Fighter (called Jet Flight)
See the Amstrad version of Jet Fighter (called Jet Flight)
See the Atari 8-bit version of Jet Fighter
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Jet Fighter (called Jet Flight)
See the Vic-20 version of Jet Fighter (Called Jet Flight)

Spaceship (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 29)

Spaceship

Some bad news. You’re trapped on a spaceship on your own. The spaceship is on fire and you’re running out of oxygen. The spaceship is collapsing and you need to get to a higher level to get a fresh oxygen supply and have any chance of being rescued.

Think you’re tough enough to survive that? Yeah, well maybe you do. But there’s another twist: a big freaking ALIEN is on board and he wants to eat your face. He doesn’t care about such things as fire and lack of oxygen. No, chewing on your face is all the alien is concerned about. Tasty, tasty face.

Still think this is easy? Well, you’re weightless too so moving about is difficult. So stop pretending that you are going to get out because you’re getting eaten and you’re getting burned and you’re running out of air. And you smell.

See the Commodore 64 version of Spaceship
See the Vic-20 version of Spaceship
See the Amstrad version of Spaceship
See the Atari 8-bit version of Spaceship
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Spaceship

Smash the Windows (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 28)

Smash the Windows

Now, I’m not suggesting that you, dear reader, are prone to acts of vandalism, but just say that there was an occasion where you had to smash some windows in, what would you use? A rock? A cricket bat (or a baseball bat for more international readers)? A gun? Your own head?

I’m pretty sure that none of you would say a bat and ball. Cassette 50 disagrees. Trouble is, it appears that whoever is operating the bat in Smash the Windows is no longer able to run around, and has compounded their poor choice of window smashing equipment with their inability to get across and hit the ball more than once.

Invest in a brick, Cassette 50. Invest in a brick.

See the Commodore 64 version of Smash the Windows
See the Atari 8-bit version of Smash the Windows
See the Acorn Electron version of Smash the Windows

Sitting Target (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 27)

Sitting Target

What a pain in the arse. Every time I want to go out of my house and go to the newsagent to buy the latest issue of Beanie Baby World I have to cross 10 lanes of traffic, and those drivers have no qualms about hurtling headlong into me and breaking my beautiful legs. Not so much a sitting target as a running and screaming target. Good job I have an ambulance on quick dial as this happens with alarming frequency.

Hold on, ambulance driver, could you perhaps give me a lift over the road to the newsagents so I don’t have to risk certain injury or even death?

No?

Oh.

See the Commodore 64 version of Sitting Target
See the Amstrad version of Sitting Target
See the Atari 8-bit version of Sitting Target
See the Acorn Electron version of Sitting Target