Merry Christmas…

I know he only has to work one day a year (and wouldn’t that be nice?) but Father Christmas does have to put up with some real shit. For example, falling off roofs in  Merry Xmas Santa

As if breaking bones in his voluminous body wasn’t enough, the poor bearded man then gets himself stuck in a maze in Santa’s Busy Day

Battered, bruised and miserable, who could blame him from turning to drink in Santa’s Grotty Christmas..?

And you have to wonder why he bothers given what happens if the kids don’t get the presents they want. Just look at the instructions from Santa’s Day of Work
santasdayofwork

Parachute (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 46)

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Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

In real life, when people parachute out of a plane do they really have to aim for what looks like a mattress that has been left in a field for them to land on?

I didn’t think so, but that is exactly what is happening here. So, your choices are:

  • Land on the mattress. It’s old, it’s soiled. There are dubious stains in it. It’s been dragged out of a skip. There are hypodermic needles on it too; or,
  • Don’t land on the mattress and break a leg instead.

What would you do…?

See the Commodore 64 version of Parachute (Known as ‘Parachutist’)
See the Atari 8-bit version of Parachute
See the ZX81 version of Parachute

Rats (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 44)

44 rats

Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

I am making zero effort with this one. Sorry. It’s an anagram game. Type a word and get a mate to guess it. Naturally it was only probably ever played with swear words.

If anyone can tell me why it is called Rats that would be very much appreciated though.

See the Commodore 64 version of Rats
See the Amstrad version of Rats
See the Atari 8-bit version of Rats
See the ZX81 version of Rats

Universe (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 43)

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Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

Yet more certain death in space from Cassette 50. The maudlin bastard.

Here you have to go and rescue people from planets before an exploding sun destroys them. The flaw being that there are 10 planets to save, and if you don’t save all ten you can’t win the game and get destroyed anyway, while Cassette 50 rocks back and forth laughing at your burning face and screaming cargo.

I hate you Cassette 50. And yet I love you too.

See the Commodore 64 version of Universe
See the Atari 8-bit version of Universe
See the ZX81 version of Universe

Space Search (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 42)

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Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

Lost in space with less fuel in the tank than it would take to drive from Manchester to Liverpool, let alone across the stars to find your way home.

Face it, you’re fucked.

Let’s just hope you’re not alone while you float in space just waiting to die, eh? Years and years of no one to talk to, and you forgot to bring your travel adaptor for your phone anyway so you can’t even charge that up. And the TV only has Freeview. And you’ve already done the easy Sudoku in yesterday’s newspaper and can’t do the hard one, and even if you figure it out you already wrongly attempted it in pen and not pencil you idiot.

Like I said, you’re fucked.

See the Commodore 64 version of Space Search
See the ZX Spectrum version of Space Search
See the Vic-20 version of Space Search
See the Atari 8-bit version of Space Search
See the ZX81 version of Space Search

Derby Dash (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 41)

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Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

Come and bet all your money on the world’s crappiest horse race! No bends in the track! No fences! Horses that run like their legs are broken! And every single one of them has odds of 8-1!

(That is enough exclamation marks for one review I think).

This is essentially a rehash of earlier game Ski Jump but without the exciting loading screen or Ski Jumpers being crushed to death by their fellow competitors.

Yet, of course, the horse I bet on still comes last…

See the Commodore 64 version of Derby Dash
See the Vic-20 version of Derby Dash
See the Atari 8-bit version of Derby Dash
See the ZX81 Version of Derby Dash
Also very similar to Day at the Races on the Amstrad Cassette 50

Black Hole (Acorn Electron Cassette 50 Game 38)

38 Black Hole

Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

Let’s get this straight. You want me to go and get sucked into a black hole without knowing where I’ll come out, and when I do I’ll get chased by an Alien who wants to kill me and do a sex on my dead body?

But if I get over that blue line everything will be OK and I won’t get killed and fiddled with by a necrophiliac monster from outer space?

Why can’t I just go over the line without going into the black hole and having the threat of death hovering over me?

Your idea of fun is very, very twisted Cassette 50.

See the Commodore 64 version of Black Hole
See the Atari 8-bit version of Black Hole
See the ZX81 version of Black Hole