We’ve all dreamt of striding around on a giant cheeseburger haven’t we? Haven’t we? Just me then? Oh well. Get Cheeseburger in Paradise from itch.io.
Admit it, you’ve always wanted to fly a disembodied dogs head around and shoot at giant spunking flying cocks and helicopter ballbags haven’t you?
Well now you can.
Space Phallus is available for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows from itch.io
It’s karaoke with Dinosaurs! And a lot more difficult than you might imagine.
Get Rawraoke for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows from itch.io: http://zaih.itch.io/rawraoke
Feel the absolute joy of dancing to the finish line with the game…Dance to the Finish
Dance to the Finish is available for Linux, OS X and Windows from itch.io
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to touch a real, human bottom? Here’s a game that can help you with that:
Butt Touching Simulator is available from itch.io for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows: http://markuslindgren.itch.io/1gam1
You can get simulators for all kinds of things nowadays. From the days of Sim City to Theme Park to New York City Bus Simulator, to making your characters do rudes with the maid in The Sims, these games are everywhere.
(What? Come on, we’ve all had our characters do rudes with the maid in The Sims haven’t we?)
Anyway, now it’s time for a simulator to rise up and show us one of the most scintillating experiences you could ever hope to play in a game. Walking through a Door. Walking through lots and lots of doors. Maybe occasionally having to jump onto some pillars to get to another door. Doors, doors, doors. Gotta open them doors.
Door Simulator 2015 is completely free and is available from itch.io for Linux (yay!), Mac OS X (meh) and Windows (ugghh). Get walking through doors.
So, strictly speaking this isn’t a retro game at all, having been released in 2013. However, I’m including it for two reasons. Firstly, it is very retro styled. And secondly because it has the bleakest, most depressing intro sequence of any game I have ever played.
If you’re one of the cool kids like me and you use Linux you can download it from the developers website. If you’re one of the uncool kids who uses Windows you can also download it. If you’re a Mac user then you are only pretending to be a cool kid and you can’t have it at all.