Phaser (Atari 8-bit Cassette 50 Game 31)

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Am I the Phaser? Is the ball the Phaser? Are the star shapes on the floor the Phaser? Are YOU the Phaser? I think you’re the Phaser. Go away Phaser.

Phaser.

See the Commodore 64 version of Phaser
See the Acorn Electron version of Phaser
See the ZX81 version of Phaser

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Phaser (Commodore 64 Cassette 50 Game 31)

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What would you do if you had a bunch of gravestones marching upon you, their only intent to crush you? I know what I’d do, and that would be run away. Why you’d stand and shoot back at them is anyone’s guess, you idiot. Do you know how fast a gravestone can run? Not very, that’s the answer.

See the Atari 8-bit version of Phaser
See the Acorn Electron version of Phaser
See the ZX81 version of Phaser

Phaser (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 31)

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Why is it that whenever an alien comes anywhere near earth the immediate reaction is not to greet it and learn from it, but to shoot it right out of the sky?

I think it’s because you’re afraid your girlfriend will fancy it and run away with it to whatever planet it’s come from. Then all your mates will point and laugh and everybody in the place you live will know that you got dumped for an ugly alien, and then you’ll have to move away. But everybody on earth will find out, and reporters will camp outside your home and television cameras will be thrust into your face to catch the image of every tear that falls from your eye as you’re asked to recount how it feels to know that the woman you love is having hot sex right now with a being from another planet.

And it will get so bad that you won’t be able to live anywhere on earth and so you’ll concoct a plan to move off earth and to the planet that the alien came from.

And do you know what will happen as soon as your spaceship arrives at that planet?

That’s right, you’ll be shot right out of the sky.

See the Commodore 64 version of Phaser
See the Atari 8-bit version of Phaser
See the Acorn Electron version of Phaser

Phaser (Acorn Cassette 50 Game 31)

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Note: the BBC Micro version is identical to the Acorn Electron version

There’s no explanation in the instructions, but I believe The Phaser might be one of those futuristic game shows like The Running Man or The Love Machine (the unsuccessful contestants in that go down a big chute and chopped up and fed to Stacey Solomon after the show).

The Phaser is one evil bastard, and you only get a chance to step once to the right or left as it comes down. And there’s no respite – if you manage to dodge through a gap The Phaser still keeps on coming back for more.

Oh – I have been advised to say that Stacey Solomon does not eat the contestants after an episode of The Love Machine. She only watches dispassionately as Chris Moyles eats them instead.

Watch me play Phaser:

See the Commodore 64 version of Phaser
See the Atari 8-bit version of Phaser
See the ZX81 version of Phaser