Well it’s been a slog I have to admit. And I am looking forward to getting away from monochrome ZX81 games and getting into something a bit more colourful. And by that I mean a Cassette 50 on another 8-bit format that is a bit more colourful. And has sound effects. There is no escaping Cassette 50 for me.
But first, the final hurdle. Exchange.
It’s Connect 4, basically. But, this being Cassette 50, it’s fucked and even when you line up 4 counters in a row like you’re supposed to the game doesn’t stop. It goes on and on and on and on. Because, you see, Cassette 50 can’t bear you to leave it. You can never leave, not even until after it has sucked out your very soul and left you a battered and broken person. Not even then.
I hate you Cassette 50.
(I love you Cassette 50).
See the Commodore 64 version of Exchange
See the Amstrad version of Exchange
See the Vic-20 version of Exchange
See the Atari 8-bit version of Exchange
See the Acorn Electron version of Exchange
“Hey! Let’s play Rock, Paper, Scissors”
Ummmm, OK, if yoiu really want to Cassette 50. Let’s go. I choose paper!
“I choose rock”.
Yay! I win! Another game Cassette 50?
*sulkily* “Yeah, I guess so”
Come on, don’t be like that. He we go again.
I choose paper
“I choose sword”
Sword? There’s no sword! It’s rock, paper or scissors!
“No, I choose sword. All must bow before me or I’ll chop your heads off”.
See the Commodore 64 version of The Force
See the Atari 8-bit version of The Force
See the Acorn Electron version of The Force
I really don’t know what I can tell you. Look at the screenshot above. Watch the video below. If you can tell me what is going on you’re a better person than I am.
See the Commodore 64 version of High Rise
See the Amstrad version of High Rise
See the Atari 8-bit version of High Rise
See the Acorn Electron version of High Rise
Look at my Jet Mobile. Look at it go. I can drive it through these gate like things, and even if I drive over them it doesn’t matter because my jet mobile is even harder than Pele after he’s taken his erectile dysfunction tablets.
At first there seems to be very little point to driving my Jet Mobile around other than to show off and try and go through those markers, though eventually Cassette 50 decides to put you out of your misery and show you some kind of score:
Oh how I love you Jet Mobile, my best car ever.
See the Commodore 64 version of Jet Mobile
See the Atari 8-bit version of Jet Mobile
See the Acorn Electron version of Jet Mobile
See the ZX Spectrum version of Jet Mobile
See the Vic-20 version of Jet Mobile
Couldn’t get this one to work. Probably a good job as it would inevitably have involved me falling out to the sky and breaking my body. You bastard Cassette 50.
See the Commodore 64 version of Parachute
See the Atari 8-bit version of Parachute
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Parachute
This is just the old board game ‘Battleship’ but with a different name. I can’t even be bothered to review it any further than that. Cassette 50, you’re a right Tanker.
See the Commodore 64 version of Tanker(Known as Tanker Rescue)
See the Atari 8-bit version of Tanker
See the Acorn Electron version of Tanker
Rats, loads of them, gnawing your face right off. Leaving you looking like Skeletor from He-Man, but instead of having a camp laugh you’re just DEAD.
One way to end up without a gnawed off skeleton face is therefore to walk around the rats and don’t touch them. Sadly I’ve never managed it, nor found out what that weird mess of pixels lying on the floor between the rats is. Probably a former victim.
Maybe an even better solution is to not go in the room where all these rats are in the first place then. Next game please.
See the Commodore 64 version of Rats
See the Amstrad version of Rats
See the Atari 8-bit version of Rats
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Rats
The Universe. That’s a pretty fucking big place.
ZX81’s RAM. That is not a pretty fucking big place.
How to fit the Universe into a Cassette 50 ZX81 game then?
Well, the answer, as you might expect, is quite badly. Apparently I am to save THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE single handedly by tempting some dangerous antimatter clouds into black holes, all the while trying not to fly into the cloud or the black holes myself. And then I have to run off to the EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE. You know, that infinite thing that has no end. Yes, the edge of that.
Suffice to say, given the gargantuan task I’m not surprised to see a “You’ve failed to save the universe” message. Just before a black hole sucks my face off, and not in a good way like a girl in a club in Bolton would in the late 90s.
See the Commodore 64 version of Universe
See the Atari 8-bit version of Universe
See the Acorn Electron version of Universe
I think this is supposed to be a bit like the old boardgame, Battleship, but in all the time I played it I couldn’t get it to find another spaceship or whatever I was supposed to be searching for.
I can only apologise to all those lost in space due to my crapness. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe you can get up to some hijinks, like in Red Dwarf or the Lost in Space TV show or something? Or maybe you can just float along in space, never being rescued by anyone. Despairing until you die of starvation or suffocation or just plain boredom.
See the Commodore 64 version of Space Search
See the ZX Spectrum version of Space Search
See the Vic-20 version of Space Search
See the Atari 8-bit version of Space Search
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Space Search
I’ve got a hot tip for this latest horse race, from a hot tipster. The hot tipster said that the hot tip is horse number 2.
So I’ll go and put my money on horse 2 then, how can I fail, surely the hot tipster wouldn’t do me a mischief?
And they’re off….
Hold on, they aren’t horses! They are numbers! What have you done to me hot tipster? And number 2 is lagging behind. Even number 3, who didn’t bother appearing until after 1,2 and 4 were well away is ahead of number 2 now.
Number 2, you are well named. Yes, because you’re shit, thats right.
See the Commodore 64 version of Derby Dash
See the Vic-20 version of Derby Dash
See the Atari 8-bit version of Derby Dash
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Derby Dash
Also very similar to Day at the Races on the Amstrad Cassette 50