Universe (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 43)

zx8143_universe

The Universe. That’s a pretty fucking big place.

ZX81’s RAM. That is not a pretty fucking big place.

How to fit the Universe into a Cassette 50 ZX81 game then?

Well, the answer, as you might expect, is quite badly. Apparently I am to save THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE single handedly by tempting some dangerous antimatter clouds into black holes, all the while trying not to fly into the cloud or the black holes myself. And then I have to run off to the EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE. You know, that infinite thing that has no end. Yes, the edge of that.

Suffice to say, given the gargantuan task I’m not surprised to see a  “You’ve failed to save the universe” message. Just before a black hole sucks my face off, and not in a good way like a girl in a club in Bolton would in the late 90s.

See the Commodore 64 version of Universe
See the Atari 8-bit version of Universe
See the Acorn Electron version of Universe

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Space Search (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 42)

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I think this is supposed to be a bit like the old boardgame, Battleship, but in all the time I played it I couldn’t get it to find another spaceship or whatever I was supposed to be searching for.

I can only apologise to all those lost in space due to my crapness. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe you can get up to some hijinks, like in Red Dwarf or the Lost in Space TV show or something? Or maybe you can just float along in space, never being rescued by anyone. Despairing until you die of starvation or suffocation or just plain boredom.

See the Commodore 64 version of Space Search
See the ZX Spectrum version of Space Search
See the Vic-20 version of Space Search
See the Atari 8-bit version of Space Search
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Space Search

Derby Dash (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 41)

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I’ve got a hot tip for this latest horse race, from a hot tipster. The hot tipster said that the hot tip is horse number 2.

So I’ll go and put my money on horse 2 then, how can I fail, surely the hot tipster wouldn’t do me a mischief?

And they’re off….

Hold on, they aren’t horses! They are numbers! What have you done to me hot tipster? And number 2 is lagging behind. Even number 3, who didn’t bother appearing until after 1,2 and 4 were well away is ahead of number 2 now.

Number 2, you are well named. Yes, because you’re shit, thats right.

See the Commodore 64 version of Derby Dash
See the Vic-20 version of Derby Dash
See the Atari 8-bit version of Derby Dash
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Derby Dash
Also very similar to Day at the Races on the Amstrad Cassette 50

Do Your Sums (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 40)

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Do you want to do your sums? Go on. Do you sums. Do your sums just for me.

No?

Well, how about if you do your sums and you get one right then I let you have a fly in a spaceship?

Don’t crash it though. Don’t…crash…it…

You crashed it. Better do some more sums then.

See the Commodore 64 version of Do Your Sums
See the Atari 8-bit version of Do Your Sums
See the Acorn Electron Version of Do Your Sums
See the Vic-20 version of Do Your Sums

Dynamite (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 39)

zx81 39 dynamite

What a thrill! I am walking over a bridge that has dynamite underneath it and might go off at any moment, blowing me sky high! I can feel the adrenalin, touch the danger. If I survive this I’ll get 1,000 points! Imagine that! ONE THOUSAND POINTS all of my own, to spend on whatever I wish.

What do you mean that 1,000 point isn’t legal tender anywhere? Are you seriously trying to tell me that I am risking being blown up for something that has no tangible reward to it?

Get me off this bridge. Now.

*BOOM*

Ouch.

See the Amstrad version of Dynamite
See the Commodore 64 version of Dynamite
See the Atari 8-bit version of Dynamite
See the Acorn Electron version of Dynamite

Black Hole (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 38)

zx81 38 black hole
When I was at school my friend Tom made a joke about astronomy but wasn’t really about astronomy, it was about a girl’s front bottom, which he likened to a black hole. Not many people got it, but I did because I was rude.

Now, x numbers of years later, I am trying to fathom exactly what this game is all about and I’m coming to the conclusion it isn’t about astronomy either. But neither is it about front bottoms. Not unless you are in possession of a front bottom that occasionally spews up numbers for no discernible reason and makes you go back to the start of the game.

FRONT BOTTOMS.

See the Commodore 64 version of Black Hole
See the Atari 8-bit version of Black Hole
See the Acorn Electron version of Black Hole

Planets (ZX81 Cassette 50 Game 37)

37 planets

Can’t a person just go and have a nice leisurely fly over a monochrome city without an astroid coming along and ruining everything? Just jumping in my little plane and heading out on a Sunday for a quick trip out instead of staying in ad vegetating to death in front of Antiques Roadshow? The answer from Planets is a resounding “no”.

And I am forever damned to seeing the message “Score 0. Best Score 0”.

Best score zero.

Zero.

See the the Amstrad version of Planets
See the Commodore 64 version of Planets (Called Planets Defender)
See the Atari 8-bit version of Planets
See the Acorn Electron & BBC Micro version of Planets