Beat ‘Em and ‘Eat Em / Philly Flasher

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You’re probably looking at that picture above with some measure of disbelief. Yep, that is a bloke jerking off on a rooftop, and nudey ladies below trying to catch his (yellow) jizz in their mouth. When they’ve caught it all they do one of the the most disturbing licking of their lips that I have ever seen.

Yes, I know it sounds like I’ve made this game up, but it is real. I played it and it is truly awful. I played it for you, because I spoil you. This game was released in 1982 by Mystique Games, and as the manual (which can be read here) states: ” We have designed our adult games to be whimsical, entertaining, challenging, naughty and fun”.

It is not any of those things. It is horrible on so many levels:

There is a gender reversed version of the game called Philly Flasher where a witch drops breast milk from the rooftop and two blokes have to swallow it. And when they succeed they have a good old wank all over the pavement:

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Tubular Bells..

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After I had my Acorn Electron I had a Commodore 64. I still have it now. And it was better in every way than the ZX Spectrum. This did not stop Speccy owners a arguing their case in the playground, but they were wrong. And to prove it once and for all: Prog Rock.

Somebody took the time to make Mike Oldfield’s bazillion selling album and make chip tune versions for the C64 and the Spectrum. Right from the start the C64 version was better – look at the loading screens above. Spectrum on the left, C64 on the right.

Then there is the music. The C64 with it’s amazing SID sound chip first. Then the Spectum with it’s awful noise.

(PS The only time that I was jealous of the Spectrum was when “Back to Skool”, the sequel to “Skool Daze” was released on the Speccy only).

(PPS I hope no one actually takes this seriously, both were great machines. Hold off on the hate mail Spectrum owners. We can join forces to take the piss out of those who had a Dragon 32).

Karate Warrior…

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When I was in primary school it seemed that all my male classmates were doing some sort of martial arts. Banging on about what colour belts they had or who they had fought with. I did not do a martial art. I could think of better things to do with my spare time that kicking people.

Still, playing Karate computer games was a different matter. I played a lot of IK+ on a friends Amstrad. I was very impressed. The graphics and animation were brilliant (even though the C64 version is better…). I wanted to be able to play a karate game with my friend on my Acorn Electron too so one afternoon I hurried around to my local library, paid my 20p to borrow Karate Warrior and got my mate around to my house. There was excited anticipation as we waited the five minutes for it to load. This would be great. We could play Karate games at both of our houses!

Sadly, it was not so impressive. I can still hear my mate’s derision now. The characters couldn’t even walk without doing a high kick, like they had a Tourette’s tic.

By way of comparison, this is what I saw at my mate’s house: